Cancer. What a f*&king word, man. It's something you never think is going to happen to you, your loved ones, anyone around you. And then you get that word from the doctor. As you sit with your husband for what should be a standard, preventative screening, you’re met with that awful word. Cancer.
As someone that’s been through a bit of trauma over the last 10 years, adding another stone to the pile shouldn't be that big of a deal. However, when it's your husband, your rock, your loved one, the father of your children, it's a little different. I don't know if I've ever cried at the doctor's office before, at least, certainly not for myself. This time was a little different. I'm sure the doctors and the nurses saw it, but they see it every day. At one point I had to excuse myself to go to the restroom yet again to just break down and cry against the wall. Enjoy a good silent scream.
These are the times that really make you assess your relationship, how strong it is, how resilient it is, how you really feel about the other person. It's not meant to sound insensitive. It's the realization that so often we take our everyday relationships and our partnerships for granted. It's the flashback of memories that come flooding in from the beginning and what you hope will not be the end. It's realizing what little time you've really had together; and that you are longing for so much more. You sit and you ponder: Will this be the last Christmas? Will this be the last Thanksgiving? Will this be the last birthday? You try and picture your life without the other person, and it just doesn't fit. But then nothing seems like it will fit again. That's true love. And my husband knows, when I say more than just the simple, I love you, and it switches to “I love you more than anything”; I'm sad and I'm thinking of him.
Our relationship is strong, it can withstand ANYTHING that life throws at us. It's a true mind over matter situation. It won't be without bumps, without tears, without pain, without worry. But we all should know and understand that it's perfectly acceptable to break down and have those feelings. Share those feelings. Let it out. In the past, I haven't been able to talk about what I feel, what I go through and why. This time, as it's healthy for me, I'm going to talk… talk about Cancer, from the perspective of the loved ones’ partner. This isn't to draw attention to myself, it’s to voice that our feelings are valid. It's to talk about the aspect of being a caregiver not only to your children but now to a husband, the fears and financial woes, the sleepless nights and everything in between.
F*&k cancer man; but Baby, we got this!